To Live Or To Die
by CreativeBacon11
Summary: I wish I could look at myself without being sick. I wish I felt like I was alive. I wish I could breathe. I wish I would stop hurting. But I'm the one making the pain. (Human AU) Trigger warning: Cutting, suicide attempt, needles, self harm. (one shot, possibly more)


(2518 Words)

He sits on his bed, a sharp weapon in hand. He can feel himself shaking but he doesn't care. He brings it down to his exposed wrist and makes a deep cut, deeper than ever before.

His eyes red from crying, he brings the weapon back up and down again, cutting just below the last one.

He lets out a quiet sob. He hated himself. He'd done something that he felt he'd never be able to forgive himself for and so, again he cuts.

There was no reason not to. It wasn't like anybody cared if he did. Nobody knew but he was sure they wouldn't.

He brings a tan hand up to his face, wiping the un-shed tears from his eyes that were causing his vision to blur.

He hated how weak he was. He hated how he resorted to this to keep himself in check around his family.

He tightens his grip on the weapon and starts to shake even more than he was. He brings the sharp edge quickly down onto his right arm, slashing open a long wound on the upper half. He lets out an ear piercing scream of frustration, not caring anymore about what would happen. He knew that his family would here it. He knew they'd come in and see him like this but he couldn't bring himself to stop.

He slashes repeatedly at his arms, causing deep and shallow wounds to appear all over, not only his arms but his chest and thighs as well.

He chucks the weapon across the room at the door and starts sobbing loudly. He was done. He wanted to die.

He hears foot steps rush to his door but he jumps up, getting there first and locking the door.

"Raph!?" It was Leo. "Raph, are you okay!?"

He can hear the door nob rattling as Leo tries to get in.

He can't do this.

He pushes his dresser up against the door so even if Leo did get the door unlocked he wouldn't be able to open it all the way.

He picks up the weapon from the ground and holds it up to his neck.

Just one swift move.

One move and it would all be over.

"Raph, please open the door." Donnie.

He was still sobbing, but it had become a natural occurrence for him, at least when he was alone.

"Raph, Come on. Just open the door, tell us what's wrong." Donnie says, his voice turning excessively calm.

He didn't want to open the door. They'd come in. They'd stop him.

He shakes his head, trying to rid his head of his older brothers' words.

He starts dropping his tool of destruction but quickly grips it tighter, bringing back it to his neck. His hand shakes. This was it. He was going to do it.

"Raphie?"

No!

"Raphie please, let us in, tell us what's wrong"

It's Mikey.

The sound of his small brother's voice made him stop, only a small cut on his neck.

"Raph, please"

It sounded like he was crying. Mikey was crying.

He shakily walks over to the door, his breathing labored.

"Raph... You don't have to let us into the room, but please talk to me. Just tell me you're okay."

There was a small thud outside, indicating that Mikey had put his head on the wooden door.

His breathing hitches.

He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to open the door, or even let them know he was alive. But Mikey... He- He was on the other side of the door, crying.

"N-No..." He stutters out.

He hates the sound of his voice.

"No what Raphie?"

"mm-mm." He hums, shaking his head. His weapon by his side he sits on the floor, falling to the side so that he was laying on the ground, his blood oozing out of his body and onto his wooden floor, staining it red.

"Raphie, is it okay if I come in?" Mikey asks.

He panics.

He can't let Mikey, his precious little brother, see him like this. It would traumatize him.

"NO!" He shouts, digging his fingernails into his arm.

He can hear the shocked gasps on the other side of the door.

He can tell that his other two brothers are still there, even though they were staying quiet.

"Please, could you answer some questions?" Mikey asks, needing to know what was going on with his older brother.

Raph stays silent before blinking away his tears and grunting an affirmative.

"Okay... Are you hurt?"

He waits for a moment. "Mm-Hm."

"Do you need help?"

He groans, not sure how to answer.

Yes, he needed help in general, but no, he doesn't want them to help him.

"Okay, okay, don't answer that one" Mikey says. "D-Did you hurt _yourself?_ "

He stays silent, Not answering at all.

"Can Donnie come in? He can help. I know you don't want me coming in, but Donnie can help you if you're hurt." Mikey says through the door. "Please? For me?"

He takes a sharp inhale of breath.

He doesn't want anyone to see him. Nobody's ever seen him when he's like this.

But Mikey...

He gets up, pealing a layer of dried blood off his wounds that had attached themselves to the wooden floor. He pushes the dresser away from the door and unlocks it, looking at it emotionlessly before he backs away, sitting on the floor next to his bed, his knees tucked up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them.

The door cracks open and a tall, lanky brunette creeps in cautiously.

"Raph...?" Donnie says, moving slowly towards his younger brother. The smell of copper stunk in the dark room's air. Donnie bends down in front of Raph and reaches out to touch his shoulder. "Raph, where are you hurt?" He asks, even though he already knew where it most likely would be.

Raph unfolds his arms from around his legs and holds them out along with his legs.

Donnie has to hold back a gasp. There were gashes, old and new, littering his arms. His legs had deep cuts all over and his chest had cuts ranging in length, though a cluster was up on his left shoulder.

"Oh my God, Raph..." Donnie holds his brother's shaking arms and looks at hem closer. There was a spots of old scars spelling out words on his forearms.

 _'weak'_

 _'Pathetic'_

 _'Dumb'_

 _'ugly'_

"Raph, why didn't you come to us?"

Raph backs away until his back was pressed up against the bed.

He can feel his accusing eyes on his cuts. He can feel it as Donnie follows the trail of cuts up to his neck.

"Raph..." Donnie says, pulling Raph into a warm, yet somehow cold, embrace.

He can feel the blood from the cuts on his chest seep into Donnie's shirt.

"Raph, You have too many too deep cuts, you need to come to the lab so I can try to fix these." He says, pulling away from Raph. "If you don't, you could bleed out."

 _He hates it._

Raph shakes his head.

 _He can't take it._

Raph starts shaking.

 _He won't take it._

He pulls out a second object from his pocket, slashing it into his neck.

"Raph!"

He starts laughing, He couldn't deal with it anymore. Death was a warm embrace that was waiting for him happily.

"Guys get in here, now!" Donnie shouts.

Raph continues to laugh. He is so close.

His world starts to get fuzzy as the door bursts open, Leo and Mikey rushing in, expecting the worst and getting even more than they ever thought.

"Help me get him to my lab, I can try to keep him steady. Mikey, go call nine one one." Donnie orders.

Leo helps pick up his hysterical bother who was now sobbing again with small laughs intertwined. They take him to Donnie's lab where they clear off the desk and lay him down.

Leo looks to Donnie for what to do. He may be the oldest, but that didn't mean he always knew what to do.

Raph can feel his life draining from him.

He's happy.

He can barely see straight anymore and the voices of his brothers were muffled and garbled.

Though he was getting what he thought he wanted, Raph starts to cry harder.

Gosh, dying hurt. He should've just taken some pills.

* * *

Mikey runs to the kitchen where the main home phone was.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God..." He chants, shakily picking up the phone.

He had just seen his brother covered in cuts and blood, laughing like he had heard the best joke ever.

Needless to say, Mikey was a little shaken up.

Raph had always seemed fine with life, not too many problems, didn't worry over the small things.

Mikey shakes his head and starts dialing the number he'd known since he was three. It rang two times before it got picked up.

 _"Nine one one, what's your emergency?"_ It was a woman on the other side of the line. "M-My brother, he-he uh, there was an accident an' he- his neck- oh God his neck." Mikey tries to tell the woman what had happened but he gets caught up in the images that were playing through his head.

 _"Hey, It's alright, calm down. Now, where are you?"_

"N-North Moore street, fifteen thirty, North Moore street." He says.

 _"Alright, There'll be paramedics on the way."_

* * *

Raph can feel that his brothers were trying to keep him alive. He didn't want them to try. He didn't want to live.

"Stop!" He shouts, his voice raspy.

His bustling brothers stop for a moment, staring at him.

"Let me die!" He shouts, raking his nails along his already bloody arms. "Kill me!"

Leo and Donnie look at him in fear and concern.

"I want to die! please!" He can't see straight but he can tell his brothers are trying to calm him down. Donnie grabs hold of his wrists , keeping them away from his cuts but causing his brother's blood to stain his hands. "No Raph, we will _not_ let you die!" Leo steps in, stroking back Raph's unruly black brown hair. "Please stop this Raphael." He brings a cloth to Raph's neck and puts pressure on it.

"Stop! Kill me! Let me die!" Raph screams, angry tears flowing down his cheeks. "JUST FUCKING KILL ME!" He screams at the top of his lungs, his throat burning.

Raph falls silent. He doesn't move and he doesn't speak.

Mikey walks hurriedly into the room, two men in white uniforms rushing in behind him.

They immediately start working on Raph. They first made sure he was breathing before discarding the cloth Leo had placed there and applying a temporary bandage going all the way around his neck.

Raph whimpers under the gaze of the two new people.

While one of the paramedics works the other looks at the three other teenagers. "We're going to need to take him to the hospital. Are your parents home?"

Leo steps up, finding the one thing he'd be able to do at that moment. "Our father is away on a business trip." He says confidently.

"Alright, how old are you?"

Leo glances at Raph who seems to be sleeping. "I'm seventeen."

The paramedic nods. "Okay, Your brother will be okay, we'll have a police officer pick you up and take you to see your brother once everything is said and done." He and his partner pick Raph up, taking him out of Donnie's lab and into the living-room where they had a gurney waiting.

The three brothers watch anxiously as they take Raph out of the house and to the ambulance, shutting him in the back along with one of the men.

* * *

Raph stays stiff as a board, his thoughts swarming in his head.

 _Why didn't I just do it when I had the chance?_

 _I should be dead right now._

 _I should've cut deeper._

He starts breathing faster.

 _Why did I stop?_

 _They were right there._

 _I can't do this anymore!_

He lets his tears flow down his face once more.

His fingers twitch and his head pounds. His breathing was audible now, causing the man in the back with him to look down at his fearful face.

"it's alright, You'll be okay" He tries to soothe.

"I want to die." Raph whispers. "I don't want to be okay, I want to be dead."

Not at all shocked the man takes out some large bandages and starts trying to place them on his more shallow cuts. "I'm sure you'll change your mind in time."

Raph struggles, trying to get away from him but he notices his limbs are strapped down to the gurney. "Let me go!" he shouts, burning his throat again.

"Sorry kid, Can't do that. You probably should stop with the screaming. Talking isn't advisable either." He says, putting the bandages on Raph, along with some haling cream.

"Stop it!" Raph yells. He hated being told what to do, especially by a complete stranger. He thrashes around as much as he could under the straps, making them dig into his shins and arms. It gave him a small sense of relief; causing more pain.

As he continues to struggle his neck starts to bleed profusely. He starts yelling, no words, just pure emotion.

He yells, struggling until he feels a hand hold down his head. "Hold still." The feeling of a needle sliding into his neck stuck with him, as it injected a fluid into him.

"What was that!?" He shouts. "What _was_ that!?"

He feels himself drifting. He tries to fight it but all his energy had been drained from his body.

It felt like he was dying.

Good.

* * *

I know I'm a walking contradiction _  
I'm the truth that you wish was fiction  
And this heart isn't known to hate me  
I just want to disappear  
I've been on a self-inflicted mission  
To destroy everything I'm given  
Thank God that you finally found me  
Cause you got to get me out of here_

I can't take anymore

I don't wanna to breathe I don't want to die  
I can't feel I'm paralyzed  
I'm not taking this tonight  
Give me back my life  
I can't breathe I can't fight  
I don't wanna feel like I'm alive  
I'm not taking this tonight  
Give me back my life

Give me back my life- Papa roach.

* * *

... I had a bad night a few days ago so I made a bad fic... okay.


End file.
